Lessons From the Frontlines of Girlhood

What Raising a Teen Daughter Is Teaching Me About Mean Girls, Grown Women and Power. And How The Patriarchy Is Laughing.

Photo Prop from the Movie Mean Girls. Amanda Seyfried, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, and Lacey Chabert

Hi there,

We’ve all seen it. Some of us lived it. The girls who made the school hallways tense, who thrived on drama, who built their social power on other people’s pain. We grinned and bore it, or we brushed it off. “They’re just teenagers,” adults would say. “It’s a phase.”

And now that I’m raising a teen girl, I’m not so sure. Everything I am experiencing is begging me to pose this question: what if it’s not just a phase?

Of course, some of those girls grow up and become kind, empathetic women. Maybe maturity, therapy, or life humbles them along the way. But I also wonder how many just get better at disguising their behavior, or worse, get rewarded for it. Have you ever dealt with someone and thought, I bet she was a mean girl back in the day? Because that thought crosses my mind more often than I’d like to admit.

Just to clarify: by “mean girl,” I don’t mean the girl who speaks up or knows her worth. Nor the one who’s labeled “bossy” because she knows how to lead. I’m talking about the girl who knows exactly how to hurt someone and does it anyway. Who uses exclusion as currency. Who builds her status by cutting others down.

The truth is the twisted ways we learn to treat each other starts young and can stick for life (and yes, I know boys have challenging dynamics too, but that’s for another day).

The Hormone Cop-out